The FFVIII Abridged script
by Uncle Elmo
Summary: Check your sensibilities in at the door as you read this "Condensed Version" of FFVIII


FFVIII: The Abridged Script  
  
The intro occurs in GLORIOUS CGI , we see a beach, enigmatic messages and RINOA in a field , We also see the Best bits of GLORIOUS CGI.  
  
Audience: ooooh, Pretty…..  
  
A Feather floats up and turns into a sword,  
  
Audience: Reminds me of Forrest Gump,… apart from the sword bit.  
  
The sword comes down and we see that SQUALL, an eighteen year old loner is fighting with SEIFER,  
  
Audience: It's just like a movie!  
  
SEIFER: Take THIS you moody Twat!  
  
SQUALL: At least I don't look like a Central Park Flasher!  
  
The battle seem to end in a deadlock but SEIFER uses what looks like an Ignited fart against SQUALL, SQUALL is knocked out and Seifer uses this opportunity to hit Squall with his gunsword. This establishes SEIFER as a BAD Character and an EVIL sod.  
  
The Scene fades out and we see that the other 99.9% of the game has Resi Evil style graphics.  
  
Audience: Hey! What gives?  
  
SQUALL is lying on a bed, he comes to and sees the doctor.  
  
DR KADOWAKI: There's no point whatsoever to me being here,  
  
A GIRL looks in for a brief second, the camera moves to take her in, this means that she is IMPORTANT in some way…. In case you haven't guessed. Squall sees her.  
  
SQUALL: Wha? What am I?  
  
SAKAGUCHI (FF8's Producer): Ahh Amnesia, the RPG Writer's best friend….  
  
QUSITIS, a beautiful Teacher walks and sees Squall on the bed.. this is in GLORIOUS CGI.  
  
MALE AUDIENCE: She looks like Jennifer Aniston!  
  
FEMALE AUDIENCE: She looks so cool! A Nerd too!  
  
QUISTIS: Squall, you fought in that pointless fight, but even though you weren't supposed to you're still on par to graduate, now get up off that bed and run around the GARDEN like a headless chicken before I send you on a laughingly easy mission. I'll be in my classroom.  
  
SQUALL: Ok, but who was that Girl who looked not unlike Jill Valentine from Resident Evil 3 who looked on me earlier.?  
  
QUISTIS: What? I very conveniently never saw her, why? Aren't I cute enough? You'll see I have a whip later…..  
  
SQUALL leaves the room and follows QUISTIS, you'll enter her classroom.  
  
QUISTIS: The Training mission is tomorrow but Squall, the player can't do anything that serious yet so I'm going to send you on a really easy mission that a blindfolded Monkey could do, Alright? By the way you do know that you move yourseld around by using the D_pad right? How about a tutorial on Breathing? Anything else? Now Squall, will you bloody notice me, I've gotten a chill from wearing this damn top….. I'm sexy, young available…. and I have a whip….  
  
SQUALL nods and while pressing the buttons at random he accesses the panel and gets the first two GF's,  
  
AUDIENCE: Where's materia? What the hell?  
  
Without prompting the panel gives Squall a Tutorial on GF's.  
  
AUDIENCE: Ahh, now I understand…..  
  
Everyone leaves the class apart from Squall, Quistis and two Trepies…..  
  
TREPIES: Who'd have thought they'd have put two Lesbians in an R Rated game huh?  
  
QUISTIS: Hello? We're alone now Squall, does this mean anything to you? Hello?  
  
SQUALL runs out of the classroom and encounters a young student.  
  
STUDENT: Am I late?  
  
AUDIENCE: Well a large group of students just passed you so… Ummmm……..  
  
STUDENT: Oh, Pootie, I've just transferred from some place you've never heard of, can you show me around?  
  
AUDIENCE: How the hell are we supposed to show her around if the only place We know is the Infirmary and the classroom? She's gonna think I'm a hypochondriac nerd or something.  
  
SAKAGUCHI: Ahh, I wonder if anyone will spot this contrived plot device, I hope not, I'll use it later on in the game…..  
  
SQUALL shows the student around and end up out front.  
  
QUISTIS: A Mission, us two alone, let's see if the Fire cavern will hot things up, now sit down while I give you a tutorial on GF's……  
  
SQUALL: Wait, I already know about GF's…..  
  
SAKAGUCHI: Look it took us ages to design this new system so you're GONNA LEARN ABOUT IT, RIGHT?  
  
QUISTIS:…….this is your GF, you shall eat with it, sleep with it,….  
  
SQUALL: Hmm….. Shiva……..Mabye, not Quezovertil though, a vibrating snake of electricity, that's one for the girls I know Theresa would like that one……..  
  
QUISTIS: Theresa? ……  
  
SQUALL: Just thinking out loud.  
  
They go on the mission. They win.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yaay.  
  
SQUALL gets some sleep and has a bad dream….  
  
SQUALL: Sis? Nooo……  
  
SAKAGUCHI; Incest? Nah, We just slipped by with Crossdressing last time, wouldn't want to stretch it….Ahh NIghtmares, the RPG Maker's best friend…  
  
Next Morning: SQUALL meets up with the motley crew of SeeD cadets.  
  
SELPHIE: Hi! You already met me and if you think I look cute in this uniform, wait till you see my bright yellow number! By the way, feel free to hang your coat on my hairdoo.  
  
ZELL: Let's go kick some ARSE! YEAH! I'm WELL HARD! I also %^*%^ing Swear, because Cid in this game's an old fart.  
  
SEIFER: Well you already know I'm evil from the Intro, I also tellingly don't wear the same uniform as the others. See, simplistic imagery at it's best.  
  
QUISTIS appears  
  
QUISTIS: See, I CAN wear a proper uniform, we're going into a PROPER battle and if you fail then proper SeeD agent will carry out the order, just like "Don't try this at home". But this mission is so bloody easy….  
  
The ships sail towards the target, SQUALL looks on at the battle, this is all in GLORIOUS CGI.  
  
AUDIENCE: Wow! It's like Apocalypse now, but with no helicopters… or something…..  
  
They touch at the beach,  
  
QUISTIS: Right, you're looking for one "Private Ryan".. Umm, sorry wrong orders, nope you have to secure the town square of this lovingly rendered city and STAY THERE, even if it is boring as hell. MOVE OUT..  
  
The group, consisting of Squall, Seifer and Zell move towards the Square, they kill all the soldiers on the way.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yaaay….What now?  
  
SEIFER: I'm bored, let's disobey orders.  
  
SQUALL: Quistis says to stay here…..  
  
SEIFER: Fine, stagnate the story, I'm moving out…..  
  
They reach a tower where SEIFER runs ahead.  
  
SEIFER: TO INFINITY….. AND BEYOND!  
  
SELPHIE catches up with them, we're intorduced to her in GLORIOUS CGI.  
  
Selpie: Heee hee hee, is Seifer here?  
  
SQUALL: Convinently no, why?  
  
SELPHIE: I can't tell you, my orders say I have to tell it to him.  
  
SQUALL: Why?  
  
SELPHIE: So we can have a nice Boss battle, that's why, now come on!  
  
SQUALL and the others run inside the large structure which is hollow apart from an elevator and a save point….they arrive just in time to see SEIFER run ahead.  
  
However, they are interrupted when they see two soldier type figures BIGGS and WEDGE  
  
BIGGS: Prepare for trouble…..  
  
WEDGE and make it Double….  
  
These two imbeciles run away when they see the REAL boss.. Enoyle.. IN the fight the characters use "Draw"- Cigarette smokers of the world cheer….  
  
The baddy is beaten and they win….  
  
AUDIENCE: Yaaay!  
  
They make a daring escape which is in GLORIOUS CGI. SQUALL barely makes it, but is saved by QUISTIS brandishing a bloody big machine gun  
  
QUISTIS- Oh I LOVE being in control of these long hard throbbing shafts of energy…. Oh and I have a whip…  
  
They return to GARDEN whoch isn't a garden at all- it's a School, and there's no sign of Alan Titchmarsh, they see this Game's CID who disappointingly doesn't swear and is apparently Airship-less.  
  
CID- You passed- Well done.  
  
SQUALL, SELPHIE et al go to a nice little party, but not before QUISTIS makes her move….  
  
QUISTS: Well I'm no longer your techer, so.. Umm.. I have a whip!  
  
SQUALL's Reply is the world that;ll make up his vocabulary for most of the rest of the game….  
  
SQUALL:….Whatever  
  
QUISTS seems down while SQUALL shows characteristically lack of tact- the smell of alcohol takes him into the large hall, he bumps into a pretty Whip- less RINOA in a white dress, she looks very cute and cuddly and insists they dance- SQUALL claims he can't but soon moves like Fred Astaire, which leads us to believe that he's been participating in extra-curricular activities with QUISTS, in the Middle of the Dance both SQUALL and RINOA stop dancing to look at an impeccably times firework, and no one bumps into that at this time (Which leads us to assume that looking up like a lemon at the firework is part of the dance), RINOA looks at Squall longingly…  
  
And then blows him off, to go and chat with someone. QUALL, obviously tanked up on Booze and class-A drugs doesn't seem to notice and intends to cover Headmaster Cid's Car with Toilet Paper later in the evening. All the above is in VERY GLORIOUS CGI.  
  
The Next Morning the SeeDS (as they are now called) convene to Headmaster Cid who tells them about their first mission.  
  
CID: You job is to go to this place, yadda, yadda, yadda, Forrest Owls, blah, blah, Foxy Chick, blah Blah  
  
SQUALL: …..Whatever  
  
SELPHIE: Oh GOODIE! I'm So HAPPY! Carnage! Death! Trains! Yaaay!  
  
ZELL: I'm Gonna Kick some ASS! Yeah!  
  
QUISTIS: Why the hellam I on active duty all of a sudden, I bet that bloody Xu has taken my place on the teaching staff…. Well she'll have a bloody hard time, seeing as I'm the ONLY teacher here….  
  
Our Intrepid Explorers go on a Train, Yaay.  
  
SELPHIE ; sings Traain Traaain…  
  
Mercifully our Characters all get knocked out.  
  
AUDIENCE: YAAAY!  
  
The AUDIENCE are very surprised to see they are controlling three very different, and cooler characters- apart from LAGUNA who only becomes more foppish and annoying in each flashback.  
  
The other Characters are KIROS, who has a cool blades thinft and WARD, who's large and has the stupidest weapon in the history of FF, a Jaevin that he has to go and puck up after each turn. Nevertheless they seem to get through alright and we're put back in control of the Characters. They find themselves at TIMBER which is surrounded by Trees, the AUDIENCE wonders what the place would be called if it was close to some Sewage works. The meet up with the FORREST OWLS- the leader of which is RINOA,  
  
RINOA: You see, I'm not JUST the one dimensional heroine, oh no, they're making up for kmy foppishness by putting me in charge of this motley crew.  
  
They go over their plan- it fails, they fight a monster instead.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yaaay!  
  
Another Flashback including LAGUNA ensues, but the AUDIENCE blacks out from Boredom.  
  
The SeeDs find out they are given another mission- To Assasinate Ex 80's Pop/Glam Rock Diva- Sorceress Edea. They are introduced to another character IRVINE who will be their assassin.  
  
IRIVNE: My Rifle aint the only thing with a large Calibur and a large bang ladies…  
  
SELPHIE: Tee hee!  
  
QUISTIS: Squall is MINE you hear?  
  
RINOA: What does he mean?  
  
SQUALL: …whatever..  
  
They then make an attempt at assassinating the SORCERESS, When we first see the sourceress, some dancers like the start of the movie- COMING TO AMERICA appear- it's all in GLORIOUS CGI and is very impressive. The Assasination attempt fails miserably- the AUDIENCE aren't sure if it fails either because IRVINE bottles it, or there's no C.I.A gunman on the GRASSY KNOLL. NE ways, they fight her, and then win  
  
SQUALL:….Whatever.  
  
AUDIENDCE: Yaaay!  
  
A Mission ensues in which FF8 tries to be METAL GEAR SOLID, but fails miserably, some missiles are launched towards places, one is aimed towards SELPHIE'S home and the AUDIENCE wish she'd ride it to her doom- She doesn't.  
  
SELPHIE;: MY home is gone, my friends are gone, but I'm still Darn cute!  
  
  
  
  
  
Several More flashbacks ensue, LAGUNA falls in love, gets into the movie business, and generally acts like a bit of an idiot. WARD loses his voice which isn't much of a loss because he didn't say much anyway, KIROS , well nothing interesting happens to him at all- he goes into politics. Yaay..….  
  
There's the revelation that RINOA boinked SEIFER,  
  
SQUALL: ..Whatever  
  
The Game then turns into THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS with various coincidences that the AUDIENCE are invited to swallow.  
  
QUISTIS: We all grew up in the same Orphanage!  
  
SELPHIE:..were raised by the same Matron  
  
IRVINE: All in the same place……  
  
SQUALL: …Whatever  
  
RINOA: Except me…  
  
ZELL: Except you….  
  
QUISTS: We don't know where the HELL you're coming from…..  
  
They are called back to the Garden which is being attacked, The attack happens in GLORIOUS CGI and looks like a scene from STARSHIP TROOPERS. Prior to this it's revealed the Garden can Fly- FF Fanboys aren't surprised one bit because they've been expecting that appearance of an Airship for over a disk now. The Attack is a stalemate, but the SeeDs storm the Garden anyway, trying to hunt down EDEA.  
  
They attack her, and win  
  
AUDIENCE; YAAAY!  
  
But RINOA passes out in a coma  
  
AUDIENCE: *Pauses* Um…. YAAAAY!  
  
SQUALL meets the Jill Valentine lookalike from earlier her name is ELONE.  
  
ELONE: I'm your "sis", and I have time travelling psychic powers  
  
SQUALL:…Whatever….  
  
For some reason they go into space, this is a chance to show off MORE GLORIOUS CGI which has been lacking as of late…..  
  
RINOA is revealed to be Possessed, but is devoid of Vomit and loud mouth obscenities.…..  
  
RINOA goes into space and releases an EVIL sorceress ADEL on the world, monsters also invade Earth- this is shown in GLORIOUS CGI.  
  
SQUALL decides to rescue RINOA because she's cute, and wouldn't look nice decompressing in zero gravity. HE rescues her, and they're picted up by a passing spaceship-the RAGNAROK. It's full of nice colour coded Monsters Genetically engineered by Laurence Llwewlyn Bowen to die off in pairs. Ince they have, SQUALL and RINOA sit in the seat while the RAGNAROK is guided down to earth. A Soppy song plays and RINOA sits in SQUALL'S Lap.  
  
RINOA: I wub you mt snuggle bunny….  
  
SQUALL; Wha…I Love you too! It's just that I needed some affection from a foxy lady to break through my emotionless hard man image,.  
  
The Monsters are all over the earth and everyone hates RINOA, apart fromn our GANG who save her from a Penal facility.  
  
Thy then get to play around with the RAGNAROK, and it's the best part of the game. However, due to shortsighted Square Sound technicial- it's up to the PLAYER to add "Whooshing "noises…  
  
The Rather stupidly named LUNATIC PANDORA attacks, and blows a large Plot hole in the story line- no one notices.  
  
Fake German Prof ORDINE, tries to explain the concept of TIME COMPRESSION, the AUDIENCE wonders if it has 25% less fat too.  
  
When they get through LUNATIC PANDORA they meet ADEl who takes RINOA hostage…  
  
The AUDIENCE dispair when they find out that they can't kill RINOA off and have to resort to weapons only.  
  
They win and beat ADEL.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yaaay!  
  
RINOA Survives  
  
AUDIENCE: Awww!  
  
They go through the big bad boss' castle- ULTIMECIA- this level is short which means the Majority of the Disk is taken up by GLORIOUS CGI.  
  
They Beat ULTIMECIA who has no character at all but is so obviously EVIL because of the cool Music.  
  
They beat ULTIMECIA and 20 mins of GLORIOUS CGI ensues.  
  
SQUALL dies..  
  
AUDIENCE: Yaaay!  
  
…but is brought back to life again….  
  
AUDIENCE: Awwww!  
  
…by RINOA.  
  
AUDIENCE: Ewwwww!  
  
The Game ends and SQUARE vow to make a whole MOVIE out of GLORIOUS CGI… Only without RINOA  
  
AUDIENCE: Yaaay!  
  
But with someone looking LIKE RINOA  
  
AUDIENCE: Awwww!  
  
  
  
THE END. 


End file.
